SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
