so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
