I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
