I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just gargled with NyQuil
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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