i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
