Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
