If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
