Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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