On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I love you. Go after that dick
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
