My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
