barbara walters just said penis...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
