He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
