Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
