Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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