Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
