No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I can't put those talents on a resume
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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