Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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