At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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