If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
