did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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