if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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