and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
