Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
