Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
