Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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