You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
