Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
