talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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