I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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