On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
