No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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