high people should be assigned attendants
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
