Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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