Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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