respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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