I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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