Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
