I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
