You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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