It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
