Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
