He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
