He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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