I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
