If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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