Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
