At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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