yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
