They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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