im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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