i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
