I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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